My Porn Romance

September of 2011 was a very exciting and rapidly changing time in my life. I had recently filmed my second scene with Titan (for François Sagat’s Incubus) and had just signed an exclusivity agreement with the studio. I had also begun dating someone who was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about my decision to work in adult films (I had made the decision well before we started dating). I was clear about my desire for an emotionally committed but sexually open relationship, though, and he’d agreed to stick around until my movies started coming out to see how things would go.

Even though neither of my scenes had been released yet, I flew out to San Francisco to work for Titan at the Folsom Street Fair. Excited though I was, I was also filled with questions: At 38 years old, had I made the right decision? What will my friends and family think now that I’m really about to go public? And first and foremost, would working in porn ruin my chances of building a relationship with the guy I’d been seeing… or with any guy, for that matter?

My friend Dave picked me up at the airport. I’d been talking to him a lot over the past several weeks about my questions and concerns; he’s a true friend and I love him dearly. On the ride in from SFO, Dave seemed especially excited. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he said. “He’s been working in the industry for about a year, and I think he’d be able to help you with a lot of your questions. He’s a wonderful guy.” Then Dave showed me a picture of this mystery man. I recognized him instantly; it was Dirk Caber. I’d never actually met him, but was a big fan of his Titan films, especially Sting.

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen's 'Sting'

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen’s “Sting”

Dave and I met Dirk out at a club that night. I was pretty nervous (starstruck, actually), but Dirk’s warm smile, deep voice, glimmering eyes, and gentle but confident touch immediately put me at ease. We talked a little and danced a lot; we then made our own separate rounds in the club but always seemed to find each other again. We ended up going back to his place, and had an amazing night. As it turned out, Dirk was also working the Titan booth at the street fair, so we hung out together all day Sunday, laughing, signing autographs, and making out at every opportunity. (I was caught on camera caressing Dirk’s ass at the end of the Name That Butt video.) I could tell it was just the beginning of what would be an amazing friendship.

The next day I met Dirk, Dave, and a couple other friends for lunch, and the conversation turned to my budding relationship back in Boston. I was convinced that I could balance the adult film work with my life back home, and be emotionally faithful to the guy I’d been dating… but how could I convince him of that? Right in the middle of this engaging discussion, the email arrived. The guy in Boston had decided not to take the “wait and see” approach after all. He broke up with me, by email, while I was on the other side of the fucking country. I was crushed. I vaguely remember bursting into tears right in the middle of Squat & Gobble in the Castro and then running all the way back to Dave’s house, flinging myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow and screaming. My friends came to sit with me while my hysteria ran its course… and Dirk held me the whole time.

Once my tears had dried, we started talking. About porn, about fidelity, about sex, about relationships, about work and play and death and love and life. And to this day, we’ve never stopped talking. Dirk and I have been dating for almost 5 months now, and I love him more than I ever thought I could have loved anyone at all. And, astoundingly, he’s equally in love with me. It’s almost like we’d been waiting for each other. We’re building a truly amazing, rewarding, open, trusting, loving relationship while continuing to work with Titan and also exploring our own internal and external boundaries. He lives in Chicago, but we’ve been together at least every two weeks since that fateful day in September. It’s been incredible, and it’s only getting better.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, I just want to say thank you to Dave for steering Dirk and me together, thank you to you for reading this sappy little love story, thank you to TitanMen for giving me this amazing opportunity… and most of all, thank you to the sweetest, sexiest, most incredible man I have ever known. Dirk Caber… I love you.

30 replies
  1. frankie
    frankie says:

    what a wonderful and touching blog post! Thanks for sharing this remarkable story with your fans! I hope both of you have a great day today and in the days to come…hugs from a fan….

    Reply
  2. DRB
    DRB says:

               That post made me smile. Always happy when guys find a loving relationship.
               I have a couple questions, hopefully you don’t mind; what’d you do before porn? Sounds like you two slept together while you were still dating Dave so was it because you guys were ‘just dating’ or is physically cheating not a big deal to you?
               If that sounds judgmental, its really not meant to be, I’m just curious.

    Reply
  3. Jesse
    Jesse says:

               DRB,
               I don’t mind at all. Before I started doing porn I had a well-paying white collar desk job… and now that I’m doing porn, I still have the same well-paying white collar desk job. I balance my home life with my new sideline out on the left coast, and it’s going very, very well. In fact, I’ve found that most porn actors have primary employment elsewhere; I’ve met meteorologists, musicians, account executives, IT professionals, chefs, and even doctors who have all done work in the industry while also employed at their (highly successful) “day job.”
               Regarding my relationship: As I mentioned in the post, I had only recently started dating the guy in Boston (who is not named Dave, by the way… Dave is my friend in California) and we had not yet had a discussion about whether or not we would be monogamous. But that’s besides the point. To me, emotional fidelity is what matters in a relationship. My partner is the one who occupies that “special place in my heart,” as they say. Sex, to me, is one of many ways of connecting with people. With some of the people I hold dear, sex comes naturally; with others, a more platonic relationship emerges. It depends on the friendship. So even if the guy in Boston and I had moved a bit forward in our relationship, I would still have been able to sleep with Dirk and remain faithful to my guy back home.
               That level of openness and trust is what I want and need out of a relationship. Dirk has very similar needs to mine, so our relationship works great. Everyone is unique, though, and completely justified in expressing what his or her needs are. Some people need sexual monogamy in their relationships, and that’s fine… it’s just not what works for me. The key, I think, is to state your needs directly and assertively, instead of taking a wishy-washy “wait and see” approach. That way, you’re much more likely to find a partner who has similar needs.
               JJ

    Reply
  4. DRB
    DRB says:

    Thanks, I always get a reply from you (on Facebook or Manhunt) and I appreciate it. I know everyone’s story is different, but its intriguing how you guys go from a “normal job” to porn.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      DRB, working in porn is no less of a “normal” job than any other. When I’m working for Titan I show up for work at 9 am, earn a paycheck, pay taxes on those earnings… the whole bit. It’s an unusual job, to be sure, but I would not in any way call it abnormal!

      Reply
  5. August
    August says:

    Your story literally brought tears to my eyes, it’s so sweet. It gives me hope that I’ll find a soulmate out there too. Thanks for the inspiration for us mature guys Jesse!

    Reply
      • August
        August says:

        Thanks Jesse, I do have faith, even before I read your post. But I must say it seems it would be a tad easier to find love when you’re a handsome, muscular 38 year old porn star than it is when you’re a 51 year old out of shape, work at home salesman, haha. I actually did find the love of my life back when I was 38 too & we were together over 6 years but I was much prettier then. I know I’ll find someone else eventually when the time is right, though.

        Reply
  6. Wesley B. Foreman
    Wesley B. Foreman says:

    I was just browsing through your blog (an excellent read by the way) when I came across this partictular entry. I am so happy for you and Dirk, and wish you many happy years together. I also think it was shameful the way your ex broke up with you by e-mail. Are you friends with him now, or was that the last time you ever spoke with him? It’s none of my business, I know, but I was just curious.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Hey Wesley… thanks! I know that Dirk and I are going to have a lot of happy years together (don’t ask me how I know… I just do). 🙂 I never speak to that other guy anymore, although I see him around town from time to time (we actually go to the same gym). I’ve mellowed a little on my opinion about what happened, though: while I still think he made a mistake, I can’t begrudge him his feelings. “It takes two to make a thing go right,” as Lyn Collins wisely sang. I just think the way he broke up with me was, well, pretty cowardly. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise, though… because who knows? If that email hadn’t arrived at the exact moment it and and if Dirk hadn’t been there to comfort me when I was so vulnerable, who knows if we would have ended up together?

      Reply
  7. Ivan
    Ivan says:

    Such a nice story, you two make a very nice and happy couple as we all could see in the pictures you are posting of FB and Twitter… I wish you both the best and that you always be together and happy. Merry christmans and happy 2013… The best for both of you in 2013… let us always know about your new projects and movies… 🙂

    Reply
  8. B. Evan Robbins
    B. Evan Robbins says:

    Jesse…I have only recently found, after several attempts, my true love. He is very much like Dirk, he has a very mature idea of what life and love really is. And as you said its a lot more than just sex that makes the partnership. We spend a lot more time talking and looking into each others eyes then in bed. It is a relationship, as yours is, that will endure for a lifetime.

    Reply
  9. Alex
    Alex says:

    After two devastatingly break ups, I have been fearful of committing to a relationship. You are so lucky, Jesse, that you found Dirk. Good luck to both of you.

    Reply
  10. Manuela
    Manuela says:

    Here I was browsing Dirk’s fb page and wondering how you two met. And there is this post and I click on it and read a wonderful heartbreaking and heartwarming story of two people who meet through a friend and end up falling in love. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
      • Manuela
        Manuela says:

        Yeah, I can tell. I have worked myself through your blog backwards. I am one third through and it is fascinating to read how you have been dealing with things. I like the Q & A blogs most. Kind of what I always wanted to ask but were afraid to (being embarassed). I like the enema blog as I have read so much about it but haven’t really had an idea how and with what it works. Yes, I could have googled it but reading it from someone who knows how is so much better. Thanks for being so open about your professional life and I wish you and Dirk decades of love and laughter.

        Reply
  11. JJB
    JJB says:

    The relationship between you and Dirk strangely reminds me of the relationship I have with a friend. Even though we’re both somewhat “straight” – yet the fact I’m on this very blog right now probably begs a differ. There is a huge similarity between most of the photo’s on here and the ones I share with my friend (except the ones that include all the kissing and the sex). It’s like we’re a gay couple but don’t want to admit it and sometimes it honestly makes me wonder if he has similar feelings to the ones I’m starting to develop for him. The amount of times other people have mentioned how “we’d be a cute couple together” or stated how “we’re basically together” in the past and usually we’d just laugh it off or make a sarcastic joke on how it’s actually true. But not actually taking what’s said into consideration.
    He’s been my best friend ever since I can remember and it’s weird to think this or to even be saying this but I can’t help wonder what it would actually be like to be a couple. Which brings me to talking about how the relationship you’ve shared with dirk and how it has actually opened me up a little to re-think about who/what I actually want in life. Anyway, story times over. Just a little something I thought I’d share with you guys. Sorry for rambling on.

    Reply
  12. Shay Leigh
    Shay Leigh says:

    Have you guys ever thought of a Polyamorous Relationship? That came to mind while reading your story & it might be something to explore…

    Reply

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. […] at you, TitanMen crew! My porn career got me a sweet gig blogging for HuffPost. And of course, I met the love of my life though working in the industry. And so many other great things have happened that are far too […]

  2. […] I close in on 9 months together, I’m starting to get a little nostalgic. I’ve already written about how the two of us met, but with Dirk 3,000 miles away right now (doing a photo shoot for Mr. S Leather) and me having a […]

  3. […] Dirk and I met at the Folsom Street Fair in 2011, our connection was immediate and strong. When we got together in Houston a few weeks […]

  4. […] the leap into porn, I had a lot of weighty questions to consider: Having worked in the industry, would I ever be able to date someone? How would this affect my day job? What would my friends think? And… what would my mother […]

  5. […] says: February 21, 2012 at 11:25 am See for yourself: My Porn Romance […]

  6. […] and Dirk Caber found love on porn set. 38 year old Jesse Jackman on his blog tells the story of how he and Dirk met in San Francisco working for Titan. It’s a story that will warm your heart and tent your pants. I can hardly wait until these […]

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