She knows.

When I was first considering whether or not to make the leap into porn, I had a lot of weighty questions to consider: Having worked in the industry, would I ever be able to find love? How would this affect my day job? What would my friends think? And… what would my MOTHER think?

I’m the only child of a single parent, so my mom and I have always been close. I’ve been out to her since I was 25, and she’s met (and loves) Dirk; we even spent last Christmas with her. I’m her “angel-lamb,” as she says. She turns 73 next month. I thought a lot about whether or not I would tell her, and finally decided that I would wait until I was retired from the industry. I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon so I don’t know when that’ll be, but because I figured that she would likely be concerned for my physical and emotional health and well-being (not knowing just how awesome this whole experience has been for me, and how safe Titan’s practices are), I decided there was no need to worry her by telling her while I was still performing. Nevertheless, I wondered what would happen if she was to discover — before I was ready to tell her — that her angel-lamb is now a rather successful gay porn star?

Well, a couple of months ago… she did find out.

My first clue was about a month ago, shortly after I’d flown to San Francisco to film scenes with Anthony London and Casey Williams. (Those scenes haven’t been released yet, but the one with Casey should be out just before Christmas.) I’d just gotten back from SF and my mom and I were having lunch; she lives just outside Boston, and we get together for a meal every couple of weeks. During the course of conversation, she asked how my trip to San Francisco had been. “Oh, it was fine,” I said… but I couldn’t remember ever telling her that I was going. How did she know?

Flash forward to last week. My mom lives halfway between my house and my doctor’s office. I had just left the doctor after a routine check-up; I was pretty sleepy and decided to stop off at her house to take a nap. She wasn’t home. After a good snooze in my old bed I was about to leave for the gym when I remembered that I had to pay a bill online, so I went into the study and opened up her laptop… and there it was. The browser was open to JesseJackman.xxx … the very blog you’re reading now.

It’s difficult to describe how I felt in that moment. It’s like my whole body sort of compressed. I felt like I was falling, and I felt an intense pressure in my head. If she’d seen the blog, she knew everything. Again, I found myself asking “How did she find out?” My mom’s an incredibly smart and very thorough person… and she surely hadn’t stopped with the blog. She’d likely found the Facebook page. She’d probably found her way to the Titan website and seen my profile there. Maybe she’d found my Mancast page. And… GULP… she might have even watched the videos. I felt exposed… like the walls had crumbled and I was left standing there, alone and naked in the oak-floored study of my childhood home.

But then I got to thinking… if she really had been thorough, which I knew she would be, she’d probably read the whole blog. And the blog, of course, is not just about porn. It’s about me. There’s a reason why I like to say “In Porno Veritas.” I pour my heart into this thing, and what you see is real; everything you read here is completely, utterly, and sometimes painfully honest. I’ve discovered writing as a means of personal expression, and as I’ve written many times, porn has changed my life for the better. I’m happier now than I have ever been. I love making porn and have discovered (to my surprise) that I’m actually pretty good at it. I feel excited and empowered. And… most importantly of all… I’ve found the man of my dreams. With everything I’ve written, she’d be sure to see past the idea of “filthy gay pornography” or even “prostitution” (which I was afraid would be how she’d see it) and realize that this has all been a positive experience — scratch that — a remarkable, life-changing adventure.

Wouldn’t she?

I was scared, but I knew I had to talk to her. I immediately called Dirk (who was visiting friends in LA) and asked if he could to fly out to Boston when his visit was over; I don’t ask for stuff like that from him very often, but this was important to me. I really wanted him to be here for support. He changed his flight that instant. (Man oh man, do I love my man.) My mom needed help moving some furniture, and I volunteered our services. She’d offered to make us dinner afterwards. The date, October 3, was set.

That’s right… what you are about to read all happened yesterday.

All day yesterday I was a wreck. I could hardly focus on my work, and all during my workout I was distracted and unfocused. Dirk and I went over to my mom’s house at 8 pm and sat down to dinner. Pork loin, edamame, sweet potato soup. Delicious, in a way that only a mother’s cooking can be. When we were finished, I looked at Dirk, he nodded, and then, feeling a bit sick to my stomach, I started in. “Mom, there’s something I want to talk to you about. I stopped by after my doctor’s appointment last week and needed to use your computer, and when I opened up the browser it was open to….”

“Your blog.”

GULP.

And the next words out her mouth were, “I’m SO happy we’re talking about this.”

It turns out she’d found out a few months ago. Our bank accounts are linked so that we can achieve Premier status at Bank of America (we can each get better rates that way). She happened to notice a check deposit from “Titan Media” and wondered what it was, so she googled it… which led her to the Titan homepage. And there I was. Getting “tortured,” as she put it, by Dirk. Yup, the first thing she saw on the Titan welcome page was the preview for Loud and Nasty. She said that she felt like a piece of her had died. Oh shit, I thought. Of all the things for her to see first.

Dirk and I couldn’t help but laugh, though. Granted, it looks for all the world like I’m being tortured; I was restrained, after all, and being shocked in some very sensitive places and doing a lot of screaming. But what Dirk and I explained to her was that I was also having a tremendous amount of fun. In fact, this behind-the-scenes video pretty much sums up my whole experience:

Yeah, violet wands can be a bit painful, but the reality is that they only serve to heighten sensitivity; furthermore, the experience was exciting and consensual and uninhibited and a just a whole lot of fun. But here was the kicker:

This is my living room. The poster has been hanging there since July; Dirk got it for me for my birthday. My mom has seen it tons of times, and thinks it’s amazing and sweet. I’d previously told her that it was from a photo shoot that Dirk and I had once done, but when I revealed to her that it was actually an image taken from Loud and Nasty — the very same scene in which I had been “tortured” — she got it. She understood everything.

I didn’t ask her what other videos she’d seen. I did, however, ask her if she’d read the whole blog, especially the parts about me and Dirk. She had, but what had really moved her was something that I wouldn’t have expected to have any impact. It was a response to a comment that an 18-year-old straight man named David had made on my “Bend in the Rod” post; he was nervous about having sex for the first time with his girlfriend. He was worried that she’d be turned off, or even scared off, by the shape of his penis, which happens to look a lot like mine. (You can read the entire post here… scroll down to find David’s comment.) My mom felt that my response — which was basically “you’ll be fine; listen to her, and if something’s not working for you or for her, try something else; be safe and have fun” — was really wonderful. I was just trying to be helpful, but my mom saw it as touching and heartfelt. She seemed proud.

On the whole, my experience telling my mom was a really positive one. It felt like coming out for the second time, and once again my mom proved to be supportive, understanding, and basically just wonderful. She’s seen how happy I’ve been over the last year and realizes that porn has a lot to do with that… and because I’m happy, she’s happy. She did express some concern, as I thought she might, for my health (I explained to her the aforementioned Titan safe sex policy), and she confessed to having some difficulty understanding how I could be so public about something as intimate and private as my sex life (I explained to her that porn is rather different from intimacy, and that I’m still able to maintain a personal and meaningful sex life outside of the industry).

One moment stands out above the rest, though. We had been talking about what parts of my blog she’d read, and all of the sudden she lit up with a big smile, looked at Dirk, and said, “OH! I voted for you, by the way!” How awesome is that?

I love you, Mom. Thanks for being so amazing.

89 replies
  1. ATPCYCLEXXX
    ATPCYCLEXXX says:

    AWESOME…you love life and it shows..musclehugs to you and your man..and your mom..sounds like a true sweetheart!

    Reply
  2. Mistressbunny12
    Mistressbunny12 says:

    I can’t even imagine how you felt when you saw your blog on her computer! It’s fantastic she was so accepting and even voted for Dirk that’s really cool. I’m happy everything worked out so great for you 🙂

    Reply
  3. Jeff Commings
    Jeff Commings says:

    Excellent post. I wish your mom was my mom. But then, that would make you my brother, and it would be weird to have sex fantasies about you.

    Reply
  4. Eddy
    Eddy says:

    Konichiwa Jesse

    It is a guilty pleasure of mine reading your blog, especially all the parts not related to the porn industry. I only found your blog and that of Dirk 10 days ago after watching a Spanish film called ‘The Sex of the Angels’, and somehow through that (long story), I got to discover two very unique and fascinating people, you and Dirk.

    I am a sucker for romance and immediately got hooked to your blog. (Hope Dirk would update his blog too.) I left a comment a few days ago but it did not appear. There was a video link of my friend / partner taking a nap and the resemblance to Dirk is uncanny. I feel kinda guilty reading your blog as you are extremely candid and it feels really intimate, so much so that I did not know if I should express myself freely, or if I should write to your persona as Jesse the porn actor.

    This post is great as always and so honest. I wish I had a relationship like the one you have with your mom, wow, you even link your bank accounts. I think I have written way too much as always, so take care and hope to read more about you.

    Cheers
    Eddy

    Reply
  5. Darkhog
    Darkhog says:

    That was so sweet that you have a wonderful relationship with your mother. She’s an amazing woman, and raised and amazing son. Take care of her Jesse and make her smile every time your together, as well as Dirk. Bless you my friend.

    Reply
  6. frankie
    frankie says:

    Incredibly moving blog post. Thank you for sharing this very personal experience with your fans. I am happy that you were able to share this part of your life with your loving mom. I can see where you get your sensitive and strong emotional traits. I am gratified that you had Dirk to be by your side and to share in this very important moment in your lives. You both our tremendous role models for our community. Big hugs to you both from a fan…

    Reply
  7. The Nerve Jesse
    The Nerve Jesse says:

    I am so discussed Jesse, you would dare to call her you fucking Mom, THAT IS SUPER FUCKING WOMAN! THAT WAS IS BEYOND AMAZING!!! IT”S ONLY A GIFT FROM GOD TO LOOSE YOURSELF TO FIND HAPPINESS FOR SOME ELSE! SHE IS A GIFT AND YOU WILL NOT DARE TO CALL HER MOM, SHE IS “SUPER MAMA X”! I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE PART 2 TO THIS WITH HER WRITING WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH! THAT WOMAN IS SO FUCKING AMAZING< ROCKSTAR OG ALL MOTHERS!! SHe is now in My list with her SIster's Angelina Jolie, Cathy Black etc. I hope u know what you have. She has Gods Love, not the world way of loving. That is just awesome! Love you Super Mama X (Part 2 please)!

    Reply
  8. Oodie Watcharin
    Oodie Watcharin says:

    Glad that you handled the merger wrecking experience well! Bravo! All hearts to you and family!! You are my role model now 🙂

    Reply
  9. Barbara
    Barbara says:

    This is a wonderful post.Your mom is a smart and together woman,and she raised a teriffic son.She handled the whole situation well.Setting up the confrontation.Trusting you enough to look into it before judging. And it’s awesome that she voted for your boyfriend.Speaking of Dirk, him imediatly coming to your side to support you is amazing. ( He’s a keeper) Thank you so much for sharing this. ((HUGS)) to you,your mom,and you man. <3

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Oh yeah… Dirk’s a keeper all right. When thanked him later for coming all the way to LA to share that challenging experience with me, he simply shrugged and said, “That’s what boyfriends do.” <3

      Reply
  10. Rick van Sant
    Rick van Sant says:

    Hey Jessie,

    After I commented on your last post about your (and my) bend in the rod, I forgot to look at your comment. I just read it…thanks nice man 😉

    So I found your profile again (because of BananaGuide.com) and after reading your story about how your mum found out you doing porn, I would like to share my story with you. It has some similarities and it is also kind of funny 🙂

    Same as you I decided to not tell my parents, that I was doing porn for the same reasons you mentioned: I did not want them to be afraid for my wellbeing, emotionally and physically. I was going to tell them afterwards. However, I did tell my sister. She shared it with her best friend, who she was befriended with since age 3 and she thought she would keep a secret. Well, under normal circumstances she probably would have, until they got a fight over a man. The friend, called Lisa, must have gone to her mother and must have shared the fact that I did porn in San Francisco. Anyway: her mother knew and I did not know her mother knew. Further her parents and our parents are friends too. And although they are all friends they never liked me and I never liked them. They are the kind of people that feel upper-class and as I was always different (read: a fag to them) they always treated me as less worthy. I never understood why my parents were friends with them. Let’s go with this information to the next alinea.

    It was a Friday evening the end of March and my mother celebrated her birthday. At a certain moment the mother of Lisa said goodbye to my parents as she was leaving. And just before she wanted to leave, she said: “Rick will you go to San Francisco for eh…o sorry, I cannot tell, that is a secret”. I was triggered immediately and realised she knew more than she should know. Was she really going to expose me at my mothers birthday party? I though that if she really wanted to expose me now, then let it be…it will make her look like a fool. So I kind of dared her and asked: “TO DO WHAT?” to which she answered: “No, no, nothing…it is not important”. As it was a party and my parents both had a few drinks, they did not pay more attention to it. However, to me it felt very uncomfortable that this woman knew that I did porn before my parents knew. And as I did not want them to hear it from someone else, I decided to tell them myself…but not immediately, because my mum had planned a trip to Cirque du Soleil on Sunday and she had been looking forward to it for such a long time. I did not want to spoil her joy and decided to wait till Monday.

    On Sunday we went to Cirque du Soleil and afterwards we went to a bar and had drinks. Once we were outside and said goodbye to my parents, I asked my sister to come to the bar again and there I told her what happened. She was furious about her best friend telling her mom…though we had a laugh about it too. (Also she confessed something else. She said: “Do you remember that you went to San Francisco two months ago? Didn’t you miss anything after you got back?” I answered that after two weeks in San Francisco I don’t remember exactly where everything was. She said: “You called me from the airport to ask me to switch of the heating (which I left on and two weeks of heating my place in winter is not good for my walle). I went there with my roommate Jessica and we found a bottle of poppers. We sniffed it all while watching one of your porn videos.” As there had been released only three videos at that time, and all contained very hard fisting, my face turned very red. She was like:” Wow brother, you can take it like a man.” We had a fun afternoon got totally pissed.)

    So I told my sister I was going to tell mom and dad the following day. Of course that next day, I was so nervous. Never before had I been that nervous. My strategy was to pretend it was not such a big deal. I could have gone an hour by train to tell them, but that would make it a big deal. And all I wanted is to make not a big deal about it myself, so that they would not feel it as a big deal. I also prepared what I was going to tell: that it was a hobby (I wanted to avoid the word “work”), to use the words adult entertainment industry over the word porn, that I worked for a quality company, that is was strictly safe, and that it was so much fun to me. But still I felt so nervous all day and could not concentrate in the gym. As soon as I got home, I took the phone, so I did not have a chance to change my mind.

    My mum took the phone and I decided to tell my dad first. This is how the conversation went:

    Me: Hi dad, I need to tell you something.
    Dad: (a bit worried) Oh, are you in need of money? Are you addicted to drugs?
    Me: (laugh) No dad, I’m not addicted to drugs, I’m totally healthy and I’m not in need of money. You know I go to San Francisco a few times per year to visit friends. Well, I also go there for my hobby.
    Dad: (much calmer) Oh, so what do you do there?
    Me: I do something in the adult entertainment industry.
    Dad: So what do you do there; you do performances?
    Me: Well yes, in front of the camera. (And then I was prepared for the preach, telling me I was throwing away my life and future and all that (especially because I was doing my PhD at that time).
    Dad: (started laughing) So you are a porn star?
    Me: Yes, that is what you could call it.
    Dad: (laughing out loud) Wow, you do something many men can only dream of and you really do it.

    The next 20 minutes or so I told him all I planned to say about safe play, good quality studio, etc. It was a fun conversation and he was me doing porn. After that I talked with my mother and though I could hear she was a little worried, she was totally accepting of me doing porn.

    The years after my mum brought up the subject more and more and I felt she was very curious. I had never shared so much about my adventures in porn and I decided to talk a bit about it with her. I hoped it would make her less curious. But I never shared my porn name with her and actually told her I was not going to share it with her. I know how curious she is and when you google “Rick van Sant”, it is clear what I am into. But once I said I was not going to share my porn name with her, she said with a big smile: “yes I know you are Rick van Sant”. Also she wanted to see some of my work…as if it was the most common thing to share your porn videos full of kinky sex with your mother. I showed her some magazines with me on the cover after she promised to not open them. However once they were on the table she curiously started to open them. When I grabbed them out of her hands, she said:” but hey, I’m a very openminded mother (as if it was so normal)”.

    Now we still sometimes talk about it, but once she wants to know too many intimate details, I tell her this is where the stories stay a secret to her. And if she really wants to know more, she can look it all up, but I don’t want to know she knows 😉

    So that was my story. Hope you had a laugh 😉

    Again: say hi from me to Brian, Keith, Bruce and all the others.

    Smiles, Rick

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Rick –

      THANKS SO MUCH for sharing that! I certainly did have a good laugh… especially at your dad saying “you can really do it!” I’m really glad things went so well with your family… even though the route to get there seemed a bit rough. Isn’t it great to have loving, open-minded parents? 🙂

      I sometimes wonder if my mom’s bought a Titan membership to keep tabs on me… but I don’t wanna ask her. 😐

      Hope you’re well.

      Jesse

      Reply
  11. Becca Locke
    Becca Locke says:

    There have been times when my gay friends were surprised or a bit squeamish when certain things came up in conversation, because there was a “lady” present. I usually explain that the things that shape who you are as a person are often the things your friends want to know about you. Some of those things might be sexual. I’ve had conversations with people that I would never have imagined having five years ago, and I feel privileged that so many people have trusted me with intimate parts of their lives. I don’t try to live as a judgmental person (which is good when you’re as curious as I am), and when I do find myself going into judgment mode, I’m able to look at it and say “this is about MY experiences and limitations, not yours. You did nothing wrong.” Perhaps I’m simply at a point in my life where the planets haven’t aligned in the right way for me to understand, or whatever.

    Your mother sounds like an incredible woman. And a really good detective!! I think it’s natural for people to be protective of the ones they love, and so her concerns were normal. But she has done it!! She’s become one of those people with “kinky” family or friends, and that knowledge, that bond, is an incredible gift. Being honored with that level of openness and trust is often life-changing for the “vanilla” person, too, and I mean that in the best way. You can never really look at the world the same way again. I for one would never go back.

    Your mom is a true example of unconditional love. Between her and Dirk, you are a very rich man.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Well said, Becca! This whole experience has definitely brought me and my mom closer. She wants us to co-write a book about it all, and she’s even proposed a title: My Son the Porn Star <grin>

      By the way, I know exactly how lucky I am to have both Mom and Dirk in my life, and I appreciate them every day. But if you think I’m rich man now, just wait until I start blogging about Dirk’s family… they’re just as amazing! Remind me to tell you the story of what happened when I first met his brother. 😉

      Reply
  12. Daniel
    Daniel says:

    I have known some people in the industry over the years, and they are not what most people assume them to be. They are wonderful, loving, caring people, and I am proud and honored to say that I have known them. You are a reminder to me of those friends I had in the industry. You are someone who is honest, secure in yourself, and an inspiration to people everywhere that it does not matter what you do, as long as you enjoy it. It does not define who you are, just adds to your uniqueness. Many blessings to you and Dirk. You are both incredible.

    Reply
  13. Derek Wright
    Derek Wright says:

    You are truly blessed to have such a wonderful supportive mother and an amazing boyfriend. I have just recently married my long term partner of 15 years and both families have been great and non judgmental. Imagine how badly that could go down in conservative South Africa and even more über conservative Italy! It warms ones heart to have the support and acceptance of family and friends.

    Well done guys. Keep up the good work (no pun intended).

    Derek

    Reply
  14. Sonny
    Sonny says:

    2 words for you my dear friend, “you are blessed” “wish all mothers are like that”. my best wishes for you and happy birthday to your mom.

    cheers

    Reply
    • Adam
      Adam says:

      Wish it was that easy to just come out of the closet. Was wondering if anyone had any tips for a younger (23) guy coming to terms with my bisexuality? I Never even entertained the idea until I went to Umass and meet some very intelligent and interesting people who were bi, lesbian and transgendered.
      Despite this, i was still unable to fully accept that i might be into both men and women. On top of that, I shared a house for two years with homophobes who always poked fun at “fags” and every other marginalized social group. I felt trapped in a way cause so many kids from back home go to umass as well, I never felt like I could reinvent myself cause I was surrounded by familiarity.

      Everytime I try to entertain the concept of bisexuality in conversation with close friends, especially my twin, they just shoot it down saying that its not real just that the person is confused. Maybe I am but I feel a physical attraction to women as well as a pull towards physically fit men as well.
      Since I’ve taken a brake from school I’ve been coming to accept this on a personal level but im petrified to come out to anyone. I think my twin knows something is up as he’s hinted at it in conversation, but I’m more nervous about how my dad is gonna feel about it. He’s a non practicing catholic and though I was never confirmed, I can’t seem to just let go of this guilt I feel about facing who I really am.
      This fear has even kept me from even going to a gay bar to try and meet new people because ill literally be going at it alone (i also share a car) no one in my local group of friends is gay or bi. I’ve always loved the idea of just moving to nyc (or boston but its too familiar) and starting over but being underemployed has kinked up my plans. Any advice would much appreciated

      Reply
      • Jesse
        Jesse says:

        I’ve only got a couple minutes to respond right now, but I have a few thoughts right off the top of my head.

        1: Bisexuality exists, and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You can be attracted to both men and women.

        2: When she was your age, a relative of mine went traveling with her best friend (also a woman). About 2/3 of the way into the trip, my relative confessed to her friend that she thought she might be in love with her. Turns out she did love her friend, and perhaps some of that love had a component of physical attraction, but my relative identifies as straight, got married, and had a kid. Feelings of affection, and even attraction, for people of the opposite sex are perfectly natural, even if you’re not gay or bi. It may take some time to accept this because society often trains us to think this is “wrong” or “unnatural” … but it’s not.

        3. Dirk and I live in Boston, and would be happy to take you out to a gay bar here. Yes, I’m serious. Let us know. 🙂

        Reply
  15. Adam
    Adam says:

    Thanks for replying with that concise and to the point response. Its great to get this off my chest, even if it is on a blog to a “stranger” (knew who you were before I found your blog). So wild that your from Beantown, I naively assumed ALL porn stars (gay and straight) were from CA. I’d love to go to a bar sometime (still in a state of disbelief that you offered), but I’m wicked backed up at the moment with school/internship, work, blah blah blah…Could I take a raincheck? 🙂

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Yeah, I get “Huh? You’re not from California” a lot. Actually, I know people all over the country who work in the industry. Sure, there’s a higher concentration of actors in SF and LA than anywhere else, but I know plenty of industry guys who live all over the country (and world); the nice thing about working for the higher-end studios is that they fly you in from wherever you live. And I know I’m working, and I take my job very seriously, but it can be so much fun that sometimes it feels like a paid vacation. And we’re there so much that SF has become like a second home for Dirk and me – complete with a cadre of awesome SF friends – as a result. But I digress…

      Dirk and I were talking about your situation yesterday, and we had another thought. Are you still in touch with any of those intelligent, interesting bi, lesbian, and transgender people you met in college? Even if you’re not, through the miracle of social media I bet you’d be able to find them pretty easily. There is a very good chance that each and every one of them has faced a lot of similar challenges to the ones you are facing right now. You could reach out to one of them… preferably someone who identifies as bi, because even some gay people have difficulty believing that bisexuality is legitimate orientation. But a bi-identified person will understand. And it doesn’t even have to be someone you were particularly close with, but it should be someone you respect. Open up to them. Tell them what you’re going through. I can almost guarantee you that you will, at the very least, find a sympathetic ear… and you might just start building a community that’s a lot healthier than a bunch of homophobic housemates who poke fun at fags.

      When I first came out way back in 1993 (I was 20), I wrote a letter to an openly gay English teacher who had spoken at my high school assembly several years earlier. It was a hilarious and moving address… I clearly remember him opening the speech by asking us to name all the slurs for gay people we could think of – my favorite one was “square donut” – then pointing out that he had been called a lot of those things for most of his life. And then did a great job of helping understand just how awful that had felt, and showing just how powerless those slurs were, and how love and respect were so much stronger. But I digress… again. 🙂 Several years later, when I was living far from home and my fear of coming out was at its worst, I knew that this English teacher was the only flesh-and-blood connection I’d ever seen to the gay world, and the only person I could think of to reach out to. When I wrote to him, I didn’t think he’d write back, but he did, and his letter was incredibly supportive. He told me that my feelings of fear and frustration and anger were normal and understandable. He told me that it might not be easy, but eventually everything would be okay. And he advised me to find someone I knew and respected who I thought might understand what I was going through, and to sit down face-to-face with that person and just… talk. And I did exactly that, sitting at a picnic table with a college friend of mine on a crisp autumn day in October 1993, and it opened up a whole new world for me. What I’m sure you can see I’m getting at here is that now I’m passing the same advice on to you. Find that intelligent bisexual, lesbian, or transgender person you respected in college and reach out. Be honest, be real, be yourself. It won’t be easy, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the result.

      Anyway… GOOD LUCK, please let me know how things turn out, and remember… our offer to take you out in Boston still stands. You know how to reach me. 🙂

      Jesse

      Reply
  16. Adam
    Adam says:

    Thanks for the advice, I already contacted the bi girl I knew up at school and she’s literally the perfect person to talk to… 🙂 (too bad she lives in mexico right now). She’s actually the first person to answer any questions I had about LGBT anything. I actually remember the first time I asked her some questions, such as what does “cruising” mean, what are poppers or what the fuck is a twink? She got a kick out of it but was always very open. In fact all the LGBT people I came to know outside the classroom had no problem lettin me pick at their brain a bit, and just ask away. I always put the possibility of being into men out of my mind cause the only gay kid I knew back home was very effeminate, really nice guy but I’ve never been attracted to that.

    After discovering your blog I realized thats not true, I’ve been looking in the wrong places (more like not at all). The story about your english teacher was actually how I was planning on tellin my mum. Ive always felt writing your thoughts on paper as rather cathartic (I used to have a journal when i was a kid until my brother read it aloud to our friends and that was the end of that). I know she’ll be okay with it, she used to be a play date for gay friends of hers who hadn’t come out to their families back in the day.
    My dad is a different story. Though he’s had gay friends and acquaintancss at work, identifying as Irish Catholic is important to him and I know on a personal level he doesn’t accept same sex attraction as natural. Same with some friends of mine, who’ve openly stated they think its a mental defect and that your somehow less than (working class bigotry is scary sometimes). That stuff cuts deep. Even my identical twin, as open minded as he is, still thinks bisexuals are just confused. And I talk to him about EVERYTHING.

    Anyways, thanks for replying and opening up about all this, its great to unload this mental baggage I’ve been carrying for what seems like too long. And I will take you up on that offer eventually, but All this is very new to me. Finding this blog was a God send. THANK YOU!

    Reply
    • Adam
      Adam says:

      Finally just said fuck it and came out to my family. So much easier than I thought and what a release. Surprised that my dad was so open minded about it. That shit was eatin away at me the more I put it off, but now it feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. WHEW!!!

      Reply
      • Jesse
        Jesse says:

        You just made me cry. I’m not kidding… I’m embarrassing myself right here in the middle of Starbucks and everything. All I really have to say is….

         
        WOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

        Trust me, that ranks right up there with one of the toughest things you’ll ever have to do. I am so, so, so happy for you! And THANK YOU for including me and Dirk (who says “AWESOME!!!!!” via text from Atlanta) in what you’ve been going through. Please keep in touch from time to time on how things are going if the spirit moves you, and if you ever have any questions or just want to talk something out, we’re right here.

        🙂

        J & D

        Reply
        • Darryl
          Darryl says:

          Hi Jesse,

          I just wanted to tell you what a great dialogue between you and Adam, and how inspiring this conversation is for others in the same situation as Adam. I am working on my Master’s in Counseling and this subject can have both mental and emotional affects on those in the same or similar situations as Adam, especially when they fell they have no one to confide in.
          You gave him several solutions to his concerns and there were positive outcomes for him.
          Thank you for such encouragement for someone whom otherwise had feelings of discouragement.

          Darryl

          Reply
      • Jeff
        Jeff says:

        Congrats Adam! I know what a hard thing it is to come out, especially to your dad. When I came out to mine, I did it over the phone. Here is what he said to me. ‘I may not agree with your lifestyle, and I may not like it, but you are my son, and I love you.’ What more could I want? Wish that I had had the courage to tell him face to face. I am going on 49 now. Coming out to him, I was in my early 30’s. Keep your head up, and know that there are people ready to lend you an ear when needed.

        Reply
      • KEITH
        KEITH says:

        Great for you Adam. The hardest step is over! Being honest with your friends and family will show you who in your life truly accepts you for who you are, and not just who they want you to be. As long as you are hiding a part of yourself, you can never find that out, and learn who in your life is really worth keeping. It is a very hard step to take, some people never do, but I think you will find that much of life will be easier now. Not saying life will ever be easy, but trying to live it and carry the load of a dark secret makes it that much harder. I think you will find people a lot more accepting than you ever imagined. Love, Luck and Laughter to you always.

        Reply
  17. Troy
    Troy says:

    Hey Jesse, do you and your husband ever come to Portland, Oregon? I would love to meet you guys, but I am never near Boston.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      I’ve actually never been to Portland, although I hear great things. I don’t think Dirk’s been there either. The closest I ever got was Seattle, and that was way back in 1986. We’ve been talking about maybe taking a trip up there… maybe a Portland/Seattle/Vancouver thing… hopefully sometime soon! I’ll keep you posted… and as always, I post about any of our appearances on the Facebook page well in advance. 🙂

      Reply
  18. Dennis
    Dennis says:

    Ah Jesse – I still have “Say what?” moments every time I think about, and now see you, in your new role. It has nothing to do with looks – as you are devastatingly handsome – you know why and we can keep that between us 🙂 We can also keep that we have jobs (mine part-time) that require us to be naked a lot. I’m glad you are happy and doing well!

    Reply
  19. Sam
    Sam says:

    I’m just curious… How do you and Dirk handle your open relationship. I’m in a committed, monogamous relationship, and I think I would be too jealous to ever consider an open relationship.

    Reply
  20. Basil Baris
    Basil Baris says:

    hello, I read this post after you posted about it on Facebook. I am so happy for all of you for your positive experiences and I wish I had such good friends around to help me with moving on. I had no one when I had to open up to my family. My story is a painful one and I fathom that the whole situation made the case worse and even now after 15 years have passed, my family will not accept me as gay. At the time I was blackmailed by a catfish sort to speak who proved two years and lots of money and trouble later to be a convicted felon who was in need of money. If I lived in a more open minded society than my own, I am sure that person would have no grip on me, because I would have told my family on my own. Two years later a person held me at the threat of a gun for money after having sex with me. A year later I got into a relationship that ended when I found out my man was cheating on me in a most stunning way. I found him in the midst of five guys on our bed. Some of you would say I should jump in, but I am not that kind of man. I just left his present in the living room (it was on the eve of his birthday) and left. That was some years ago, almost eight or nine if I am not mistaken. If I had a friend like Jesse or Dirk or Rick around, they would help me move on, but now I feel helpless, I feel like I am crippled at heart, not being able to give love although I still feel I have all the love in the world to share.

    Reply
  21. Craig
    Craig says:

    Good for you Adam….sometime you have to do it like your ripping off a band-aid, it may sting at first but it’s done and over with. One thing I would add is that for me I’ve adopted the 3F’s philosophy that being “FEED F*CK FINANCE”. I just got to a point in my life where I got tired of being worried about what other people thought of me, family or friends. By 19 I was working my way through college a realized I was the one living my life so I just said “FUCK IT!” if you weren’t FEEDING ME FUCKING ME or FINANCING ME to HELL with what you think and you had to be doing all 3. I wasn’t trying to be mean but when I looked at how I was beating myself up and that hurt more than what anyone else could say or think about me. Bottom line the life you live is yours and yours alone to live, it’s nice to have someone to live it with but no one can live it for you.

    Reply
  22. Adam
    Adam says:

    This, along with me overcoming my self esteem/body image issues with exercise has made me feel more alive than I’ve felt since I left for college going on 6 years now. Its hard to show affection towards someone else when you don’t love yourself inside and out. I (used to) always second guess myself about everything, which is why ive never had a serious relationship, only a few hookups.
    Ive never been good at getting out of my comfort zone, but now I know I’ve just gotta go for it sometimes. To hell what other people think. More than a few girls made passes at me up at school (never noticed if a guy did), but I’d always tune it out cause I was that disheveled reserved husky kid always keeping to myself at parties, bars, etc. Don’t know exactly where I’m goin with this but

    from one masshole to anotha, thanks again brotha!

    Reply
  23. Adam
    Adam says:

    Just wanted input on somethin I’ve been rethinkin since telling my family I’m “bi”. Been thinking about it a lot lately and I was wondering if any guys out there know any tell tale signs a bisexual might just be gay and using bi identification as a steppin stone so to speak? I’ve been rethinkin a lot about my “relationships” with girls and Ive never actually dated one just hooked up with a few.

    I admire physically attractive girls and scope them out a lot but whenever Ive gotten close to gettin laid I’d figure a way to stall or somehow sabotage it cause for some reason I always felt like something didn’t feel right. I flat out turned down a golden opportunity at a house party in town a lil ways back cause I thought the girl was dog faced (I think she thought she mistook me for my twin).

    On top of that, most of the girls Ive known in high school/university always slotted me in the friend zone. Flirting has never come easy, im horrible at pickin up when girls make passes at me and I’m the only one in my peer group who still has his “V” card, handjobs don’t count in my opinion. Never dated or even kissed a guy but I get giddy when thinkin bout it. Come to think of it, I fantasized about guys before girls when I was a kid but the only nudie mags we looked at as kids were “straight” porno mags.

    Apologies for this long winded blurb but I’m just trying to piece this shit together cause there are plenty of gay guys I’ve personally come to know through work who I had no physical attraction to and I only find certain physiques appealing. Brutal honesty doesn’t offend me, i take it as contructive criticism.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Hey Adam! Thanks for checking in… been wondering how you’re doing. Okay… a lot of people (especially gay men) are quick to assume that when a guy comes out as bi, he’s actually gay and just afraid to admit it. And yeah, that happens sometimes… but not in every case. Far from it, in fact. Have you heard of something called the Kinsey Scale? In 1948, Dr. Alfred Kinsey introduced the concept of a sexuality “spectrum” — that is, while some people are exclusively heterosexual and others are exclusively homosexual, there are a lot of people who fall somewhere in between. The scale goes from 0 (100% straight) to 6 (100% gay). While Dr. Kinsey’s study had some flaws, it strongly suggests that bisexuality does exist: 11.6% of men were shown to be a Kinsey 3… right in the middle. (As an aside, there’s a pretty awesome – and funny – gay a capella group called the Kinsey Sicks. Check ’em out if you’re ever in Ptown over the summer.)

      How do you know if you’re a Kinsey 3 or you’re just using it as a stepping stone to a higher number? Ultimately… it doesn’t matter! Sexuality is fluid. I know plenty of guys who identify as straight but have had (and enjoyed) sex with other men, and I know gay men who have occasional flings with women. You might identify as bisexual now, and that’s exactly where you are. But that number can change over time. Perhaps you really are gay and using “bisexuality” as as stepping stone; plenty of guys do the same thing. But that’s fine. Maybe you’ll swing to the gayer side of the spectrum as you become more comfortable with your sexuality, or maybe you’ll find that women are more your thing. But my point is this: whatever YOU identify yourself as… that’s what you are. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re full of shit.

      So there’s my answer: if you think you’re bi, then you’re bi. That might change over time… but only time will tell. The best thing you can do is to try to be open to whatever lies ahead.

      As always, hope this helped!

      JJ

      Reply
  24. Adam
    Adam says:

    Thanks for hittin me back. I felt at the time that identifying as bi made more sense because my twin is DEFINITELY not into guys and we come from the same embryo. On top of that, I’ve only hooked up with girls up until this point, I’m very “straight acting” and my taste in music, disinterest in effeminate boyish lookin gay dudes, and poor (but improving) sense of style doesn’t exactlay fit the stereotype.
    It explains a lot about why I was so depressed up at school. Though i am a bit shy, I always thought somethin was seriously wrong with me cause my friends had no problem pick in up girls and I always ended up going home alone. Its tough watchin everyone around you date and in some cases fall in love, while you just sit back and wonder why can’t I have that? I could never understand why it felt like I was trying to force something that wasn’t there the few times I did hook up with a girl. It was always easier to numb myself out with booze, bud and whatever else was floatin around and pretend like everything’s fine (I don’t do that anymore).
    For the first time in what seems like forever this is something I’m actually pretty sure about. I am a bit into women, but I’m pretty sure I’m much more interested in guys (4/5 out of 6 if you had to scale it out). Once I saw Michael Sam on sports center it finally clicked that I can be this way and its completely fucking normal. This “big secret” in reality is the most insignificant thing about me. Its tough to realize when your surrounded by people who see it as inherently wrong for no good reason other than the fact that their beliefs and

    Reply
  25. Adam
    Adam says:

    What society dictates as normal. Thanks again. If I don’t run into Ya soon maybe I will come June. Im planning on takin the T in for the parade.

    Reply
  26. Alonso
    Alonso says:

    Hi Jesse! I just read this and I’m very impressed. I want to let you know that you’re my admiration in any ways. Like a pornstar and like a human who have a big heart and is kind. I’m from Mexico, and this days (or all the days), I’ve had a lot of problems for my situation. I’m gay of closet. But my family and some people suspect about that. And that gives me seriously problems (my family don’t accept me, nobody talks to me, looks like I’m invisible). Hope and you can give me some advice because my life sucks. Or not my life, the society is the thing that sucks! Very religious and so carper! Hope and someday I can be like you, brave and fearless at the opinion of the people. And I hope too that someday I can meet you, that will be very awesome! Thanks Jesse! Never change! You’re a great human!
    P.S Hope and you can understand, I have a bad grammar on english language.

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      I understand perfectly… and thanks! I hear similar stories from people all over the world… it’s an unfortunate trait of the human condition that people are often afraid of what they don’t understand… and that fear turns into hatred. My advice to you would be, if at all possible, to take a vacation. Go to somewhere more gay-friendly. I don’t know too much about Mexico, but perhaps it would be easy enough to get somewhere in the United States that has a large and friendly gay population, like Los Angeles or San Francisco or Fort Lauderdale. Once you meet enough people as friends and peers, you’ll start to gain the strength to be confident at home… and you’ll be better equipped to find others in your immediate area whom you can bond with. If you’re not able to travel, you might also consider trying some online resources for meeting people, like Scruff or Recon or what have you (depending on your tastes). You might find that there are a lot of others in a similar situation who are a lot closer than you think.

      Best of luck to you, and please let me know how things are going!

      Jesse

      P.S. Greeting for Dirk has been delivered. 🙂

      Reply
      • Alonso
        Alonso says:

        First, thank you so much for answer me! I really appreciate it. And you have all the reason, maybe is the kind of things that I need. Go out with similars, meet people like me. But is really hard live a life like the mine. When I was 15, I made 2 tries of suicide. I don’t have brothers (family) or friends to confide my problems. And I never talk this with anybody because I’ve been scared. Now that I have 18 years old, my life looks like a maze without exit. But sorry, I don’t know what I’m telling you this. Maybe I wanted to tell this to somebody. Returning to the subject, in this year (November or December) I’ll going to Pennsylvania. I think there in USA will be more hard to tell: I’m gay. And other thing, do you have an advice for me to understand when I’m obsessed with a married man? (Yes, he’s straight, and have 30 years old) I’ve been losing friends and myself for this reason. Damn :/ I’m a fool and confussed boy. Greetings Jesse. And thank you so much for all!

        Reply
  27. rhonda
    rhonda says:

    you have an awesome mother , and I hope she goes on to be there with you for a long time .my mom knew about my being an online dominatrix , but didn’t know about the real life stuff , but she was happy if I was happy as my mantra is always , safe sane and consentual with a no glove no love thrown in for good measure . I thought you were a lucky man for having dirk and vice a versa , but now I know you live a charmed life with your loved ones . you have seriously good karma .

    Reply
  28. Adam
    Adam says:

    I was wondering if anyone can help me out with something. So I finally have the opportunity to move out to Boston come the fall into a big house in Brighton/Allston come the fall. Itd be a great way to get out of this piece of shit cow town, and Id be able to get my required internship completed for my Bachelor of Arts (first one in the family). The only problem is that the kid I’d most likely share a room with is straight as an arrow. He’s been one of my best friends since we were in jr. high, but so far I’ve only talked to a handful of people about being bisexual (my older brother doesn’t even know yet)l. Though I don’t think he’ll have a problem with it, everytime I try to talk to him about it I get sick to my stomach and really worked up. The same thing happens when I try to talk to any of my close friends. FUCK WHAT DO I DO???

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Hey Adam. First of all, I’m really glad you’re moving into town. I think you’ll feel a lot more comfortable here.

      I don’t know your friend, of course, but if you tell him — or when he finds out, and I do think that’s inevitable even if you don’t tell him — he’s probably going to react with disbelief at first. “No way. But but but… you always dated girls. You’re shitting me. There’s no fucking possible way.” …that sort of thing. He might feel a little awkward around you for a bit, sharing an apartment and all, but you can reassure him that — no offense — you’re not really into him and that he has nothing to worry about. I have a feeling he’ll accept that for what it is, and gradually grow to be comfortable around you again.

      I see two potential hiccups in my theory, even though I think they’re less likely to happen than my original evaluation. 1: If he’s absolutely not cool with it, he’ll either tell you outright or make you so miserable in the apartment that you’ll want to move out. In that situation, I think you should move out. I know you guys are good friends now, but my personal experience is that just because you’re good friends it doesn’t mean you’ll be good roommates. It happens sometimes, even when it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Hell, I’ve known even the best of friendships to be tested over little shit like leaving dishes in the sink. It’s just a difference in styles, not that you guys don’t like each other any less. So if you guys don’t click, try not to take it too personally. It sucks, but moving out might very well be the best thing for your friendship.

      And 2: You haven’t given any indication of this, and I’m usually not this forceful with advice, but if you’re secretly attracted to this kid, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. I’ve been there and I know how this will end. It won’t be pretty.

      As usual, I hope my stupid off-the-cuff advice helps you out a bit!

      Jesse

      Reply
      • Adam
        Adam says:

        Thanks for the advice…As for being attracted to my buddy, I’ve known him since grade school and he’s more of a brother to me than a friend and the thought has honestly never crossed my mind.

        I totally get where your coming from as far as the room mate compatibility thing goes, my last one used to steal food and pocketed the cash for utilities the last three months he was there.

        Anyways, I know he has a couple of queer friends in the city he met through massart and work. I guess most of my uneasiness comes from me still trying to get comfortable with my sexuality, as its a lot to process all alone with the exception of your blog :). Those two years living and trying to fit in with those homophobes I used to consider my friends was very uncomfortable borderline traumatic and Im not trying to deal with that shit. That on top of starting over as far as friends goes and everyone except my mum and i being unemployed at home has been tough, but I’m trying to stay as positive as I can (don’t mean to vent just feels good to get this shit outta my head cause no one talks about our family’s issues at home). Thanks for getting back to me and hopefully I can thank you in person for all this feedback someday. You guys ever find yourselves in that part of the city??

        P.s. you killed it with that huff post article on marriage. Bigots are always at a loss for words when you hit em with the actual factuals.

        Reply
        • Jesse
          Jesse says:

          I’m really flattered that you’ve found this blog so helpful. Thanks! And I’m glad you liked the marriage post… I wrestled with how to write it without seeming preachy… I’m glad it came across well. 🙂

          Dirk and I get over to Allston/Brighton quite a bit, actually… there’s a really good Boston Sports Club in Allston Village that we like, and we get together with a group of friends at Yamato for all-you-can-eat sushi every two weeks or so. You’re welcome to join us if you like!

          Reply
  29. Adam
    Adam says:

    Never had sushi before but sounds like fun. Definitely down to try it out once I’m settled in the city come the fall. Thanks again for responding. I literally have no one around here to talk to about this stuff. 🙂

    Reply
  30. Adam
    Adam says:

    Sorry to bother you again but I was wondering if you knew of any resources I could check out in the city as far as support groups or something like that? Since I moved out to Watertown, I don’t have anybody to talk to about this stuff, and as much as I’m trying to get comfortable with it, not knowing anybody and having to just wrestle with this stuff internally on my own is a lot harder than I thought it would be since coming out. The only queer anybody that I know are two bi girls back home…I can’t stop thinking about this shit, its literally all I keep thinking about and its starting to weigh on me like it used to up at school. That guilty, stomach in knots feeling keeps coming back. Still scared shit less to talk to my new room mates about all this stuff, cause I can’t risk having them ask me to find somewhere else to live… I’ve got nowhere else to go, and moving back home isn’t an option. I should be able to figure this shit out on my own at 24, but since you’ve been really informative and helpful with everything else I’ve asked you/Dirk and your from the city I figured you might be able to point me in the right direction.

    By the way that ministry article was very well written. Could relate to some of it. Never really been religious, but its hard to mentally let go of all that bullshit when it was being forced into my head before I even learned how to walk. Keep on with your writing. I know I’m not the only younger guy out there who feels some sort of relief being able to relate to the things you’ve gone through. Especially, shy introverts like me… 🙂

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Hey… please don’t ever worry that you’re bothering me… I’m happy to help! As luck would have it, one of my best friends is the director of the peer resources division at Fenway Health, one of the best friggin’ LGBT organizations on the planet and it’s right here in Boston. I just got off the phone with him, and he or someone on his team would be really happy to help you find a peer group (even if it’s not connected with Fenway). He said you can call his office at 617-267-0159; his name is Jon (you can ask for him), or anyone there can also help. Just tell ’em your name is Adam and that Jesse Jackman sent you. Wait until tomorrow (Wednesday), though, cuz Jon just told me that everyone’s leaving for the day. 🙂

      The other thing I always recommend — especially in Boston where it can be tough to meet people — is to play a team sport. Even if you think you suck at it, there are ALWAYS teams looking for new players in all different kinds of sports, and it’s a great way to essentially an instant social network. There’s a fairly comprehensive list of Boston teams here, towards the bottom of the article. Personally I play flag football, which I love, but there are really well-organized basketball, softball, and volleyball leagues, as well as active soccer, tennis, and rugby teams. There’s a running group too if that’s you’re thing, and plenty of other sports I’m probably forgetting.

      Let me know how you make out!!!!

      Jesse

      Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      My buddy is on vacation until Thursday… hopefully you can try back then. I was just in there the other day and they have new people staffing the front desk who aren’t well-trained yet so they don’t really know what they’re doing. Just ask to see one of the peer councilors and you’ll get past the front desk to the guys in the back (mostly around your age, BTW) who can help ya out. 🙂

      Reply
  31. Adam
    Adam says:

    Still haven’t gotten over there yet but I plan on it once I can find some time to get over there. Work is 9 to 6 all week so its hard to swing by and I’m assuming its only open mon-fri? I havent been able find out their hours on the website

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      I just spoke to my friend Jon. He says to call him during the day on Tuesday and he can set you up with an evening appointment. His number is 617-927-6218. I’m really sorry this is such a hassle! It’s definitely a good thing you’re doing, though.

      Reply
  32. Adam
    Adam says:

    Will do. And thanks for giving a damn, seriously. It’s tough figuring this shit out literally ON MY OWN with the exception of this blog

    Reply
  33. Adam
    Adam says:

    Gave your buddy a ring but i couldn’t get on break until quarter of 3. Left a bad voicemail (I mumble when I’m nervous) but ill get over there eventually.

    Reply
  34. Adam
    Adam says:

    Still havent gotten over there yet but im trying to figure out a time after work one of these days with your buddy. This temp position has shit hours so its next to impossible to get time off.

    Reply
  35. Adam
    Adam says:

    Thanks again for the help but I just dont have the time to get over there with work and all. Once I can save up enough to get school done and move somewhere where no one knows me than I can be myself…thanks for helping me work this stuff out though, its good to finally be at peace with it on a personal level. 🙂

    Reply
  36. Chris
    Chris says:

    I admire you so much. Now I’m just only 17 and I want to get into the insdustry but part of me feels shy because everyone watch my nudity and my sex sence. Can you give me some advices? I also have 2 more specific questions. Why did you decide to become a pornstar and why you didn’t feel shy to show your cock? Thanks a lot

    Reply
    • Jesse
      Jesse says:

      Hi Chris! First of all, you have to wait until you’re 18. There are laws regarding the filming of minors and the studios will get in BIG trouble if you start filming before you’re a legal adult. But once you turn 18 and you still want to do it, check out what I wrote in this blog post: http://jack.mn/sytycf. It talks a lot about what you need to consider when getting into the industry, and also gives you tips on how to apply to different studios. As to your other questions… rather than write out answers here, I’ll point you to a post that I wrote that talks about them in much more detail. Have a look at http://jack.mn/beginnings. The only thing I’d add is that while I was shy to have sex in front of a camera, I focused on my scene partner (who was already a friend of mine) and reminded myself that the crew knew exactly what they were doing and had seen everything before. They’re professionals, and treated with me respect. Anyway… good luck! <3

      Reply

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  1. […] my mom (yes, she knows all about it… it’s a pretty cool story actually… check out http://jessejackman.xxx/2012/10/04/she-knows), and introduced me to the man of my dreams. I’ve often found that when I stretch the limits […]

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