The continuing story of my amazing relationship with fellow Titan man Dirk Caber. I suggest starting at the bottom (oldest posts) and working your way up.

My Porn Romance

September of 2011 was a very exciting and rapidly changing time in my life. I had recently filmed my second scene with Titan (for François Sagat’s Incubus) and had just signed an exclusivity agreement with the studio. I had also begun dating someone who was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about my decision to work in adult films (I had made the decision well before we started dating). I was clear about my desire for an emotionally committed but sexually open relationship, though, and he’d agreed to stick around until my movies started coming out to see how things would go.

Even though neither of my scenes had been released yet, I flew out to San Francisco to work for Titan at the Folsom Street Fair. Excited though I was, I was also filled with questions: At 38 years old, had I made the right decision? What will my friends and family think now that I’m really about to go public? And first and foremost, would working in porn ruin my chances of building a relationship with the guy I’d been seeing… or with any guy, for that matter?

My friend Dave picked me up at the airport. I’d been talking to him a lot over the past several weeks about my questions and concerns; he’s a true friend and I love him dearly. On the ride in from SFO, Dave seemed especially excited. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he said. “He’s been working in the industry for about a year, and I think he’d be able to help you with a lot of your questions. He’s a wonderful guy.” Then Dave showed me a picture of this mystery man. I recognized him instantly; it was Dirk Caber. I’d never actually met him, but was a big fan of his Titan films, especially Sting.

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen's 'Sting'

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen’s “Sting”

Dave and I met Dirk out at a club that night. I was pretty nervous (starstruck, actually), but Dirk’s warm smile, deep voice, glimmering eyes, and gentle but confident touch immediately put me at ease. We talked a little and danced a lot; we then made our own separate rounds in the club but always seemed to find each other again. We ended up going back to his place, and had an amazing night. As it turned out, Dirk was also working the Titan booth at the street fair, so we hung out together all day Sunday, laughing, signing autographs, and making out at every opportunity. (I was caught on camera caressing Dirk’s ass at the end of the Name That Butt video.) I could tell it was just the beginning of what would be an amazing friendship.

The next day I met Dirk, Dave, and a couple other friends for lunch, and the conversation turned to my budding relationship back in Boston. I was convinced that I could balance the adult film work with my life back home, and be emotionally faithful to the guy I’d been dating… but how could I convince him of that? Right in the middle of this engaging discussion, the email arrived. The guy in Boston had decided not to take the “wait and see” approach after all. He broke up with me, by email, while I was on the other side of the fucking country. I was crushed. I vaguely remember bursting into tears right in the middle of Squat & Gobble in the Castro and then running all the way back to Dave’s house, flinging myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow and screaming. My friends came to sit with me while my hysteria ran its course… and Dirk held me the whole time.

Once my tears had dried, we started talking. About porn, about fidelity, about sex, about relationships, about work and play and death and love and life. And to this day, we’ve never stopped talking. Dirk and I have been dating for almost 5 months now, and I love him more than I ever thought I could have loved anyone at all. And, astoundingly, he’s equally in love with me. It’s almost like we’d been waiting for each other. We’re building a truly amazing, rewarding, open, trusting, loving relationship while continuing to work with Titan and also exploring our own internal and external boundaries. He lives in Chicago, but we’ve been together at least every two weeks since that fateful day in September. It’s been incredible, and it’s only getting better.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, I just want to say thank you to Dave for steering Dirk and me together, thank you to you for reading this sappy little love story, thank you to TitanMen for giving me this amazing opportunity… and most of all, thank you to the sweetest, sexiest, most incredible man I have ever known. Dirk Caber… I love you.

One sleepless night

As my devastatingly sexy hubby and I close in on 9 months together, I’m starting to get a little nostalgic. I’ve already written about how the two of us met, but with Dirk 3,000 miles away right now (doing a photo shoot for Mr. S Leather) and me having a bit more free time than usual, I thought I’d take a moment to continue the story.

I have difficulty sleeping when I travel… or rather, when I’m about to travel. I get inordinately stressed out when I pack, focusing too much on unnecessary minutiae while overlooking major details (such as, oh, remembering to bring my wallet or passport). I stress about getting to the airport, which once left me so distracted that I actually locked my keys in my car at the Park-N-Ride lot on my way to San Francisco to film Command Performance. I stress even when there’s no reason to stress: if I have an afternoon or evening flight and I’m all ready to go, I can still barely focus on my work during the day. Needless to say, the anticipation of travel is not my friend. (Oddly, once I’m actually seated on the plane I’m perfectly fine.)

Gay Bowl XI in Houston, TX

Last October I participated in the national flag football championships in Houston (despite having a rather significant leg injury and having played a grand total of 2.5 flag football games in my entire life… but that’s another story), and right on cue, I couldn’t sleep the night before my flight. I had just met Dirk two weeks earlier at the Folsom Street Fair (read the full story here), but we’d been talking on the phone almost daily since then (he lives in Chicago and I’m in Boston). He’s a night owl, so he offered to keep me company telephonically while I packed. The conversation started at about 1 am and lasted for several hours… I remember we talked about our experiences in the porn industry, about our families and childhoods, and about the nature of relationships (sort of a continuation of our ongoing conversation that had started in SF). By 4:15 am, I’d finally finished packing and was exhausted. “Well, I think I’m ready to go,” I muttered sleepily. And then for some reason I blurted out, “Wanna join me?”

I didn’t expect him to say yes.

Rather than answering “Oh, I’d love to, but it’s so last minute…” or “That would be too expensive” or “Thanks, but I have plans,” Dirk responded with “Hmmmm… what an interesting idea!” He had an uncharacteristically free weekend with only one lunch date that he could postpone, and he’d just gotten paid for his work at Folsom so he had a little extra cash. I jumped online and found a great last-minute fare from Chicago to Houston. And the next thing you knew, we were together in Texas.

And it was electric.

Thank goodness he didn’t arrive until the very end of my very last game (he got to see me in a grand total of two plays) because I might have been too distracted to play. We went back to our hotel room… and we didn’t leave it for 24 hours. The sex, needless to say, was incendiary. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. That man can hit some pretty amazing spots (I get hard just thinking about it!), and some of those sounds he made when I topped him… well, I’d never heard anything like it. But there was more to it than that. We were really bonding. In the space between our hot fuck sessions, we talked about love, art, music, politics, poetry, douching techniques… anything and everything. We were just so comfortable with each other. We cuddled on the couch watching Don Hertzfeldt shorts (“My spoon is too big!”) and episodes of QI. Finally, exhausted from a sleepless night, at 7 am we walked over to Le Peep restaurant on Westheimer Road, hand in hand, knowing we’d finally found each other.

It was far and away the strongest connection with another human being I’d ever felt. And my flag football teammates noticed. When it came time to take the team photo, we were supposed to meet at the hotel pool at 1:30 pm, but I didn’t get the message until 5 minutes beforehand (I’d missed the original messages because Dirk and I had been “busy” in our hotel room). Just before photo time, I got a text from one of my teammates:

We hastily pulled on our pants and ran to the pool, somewhat red-faced but happy.

Our last day in Houston was bittersweet. My flight back to Boston left about an hour before Dirk’s left for Chicago, so he was able to see me off at the gate (I can’t remember the last time anyone did that, what with FAA restrictions about who can and can’t pass security). We were pretty sad… but we both knew that this wasn’t goodbye. It was more of a “see you soon.” Although we officially consider the day we first met (September 22, 2011, during Folsom weekend) to be our anniversary, one could argue that it was that moment, standing in Terminal A of George Bush Intercontinental Airport, somehow knowing that our life together had only just begun.

Dirk and I say goodbye see you soon in Houston

More details of our many adventures to come…

He had me at “conch shell”

Dirk and me at Folsom 2011

I was just updating my BigMuscle profile and was reminded of a story from when I met Dirk. (As an aside: I’ve been a member of BigMuscle.com since the very early days… to give you an idea, I’m profile #6531 out of nearly 154,000! Andy and Bill, who run the site, are fantastic guys and good friends. They’re friends of the company too, having collaborated with Titan on a film starring Jake Deckard.)

Anyway, I was looking at my profile and remembered that once, long ago, I’d created a “pal” link to Dirk’s profile, and tagged it with the comment “You had me at conch shell.” I read that again and smiled. You see, back when Dirk and I first met at Folsom in 2011, he dropped a couple of references in a single sentence that I’d never forget. We were in the middle of that fateful lunch, and it was only minutes before “the email” arrived. (Read the whole story here, if you haven’t already. It’s a good read.) We’d been discussing how to balance porn life with romantic life, and Dirk was making a point about how porn sex is very different from love. He suddenly realized that he’d been steering the conversation for a while, and promptly apologized: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to take the conch shell… or the red scrunchie!”

Seriously? A Lord of the Flies reference and a Heathers referencein the same sentence? Needless to say, this got my attention. “Who is this guy?” I thought. “I already know he’s really hot and sweet… but smart and well-rounded too?” And so began my fascination with a man who has never ceased to — if you’ll pardon the expression — amaze the pants off me. We had only just met when he dropped that line, and if things had gone any differently we may never have fallen in love… but at that moment I knew that we were going to be in each others’ lives, in some way or another, for a long time to come.

Here are some more pics of us from Folsom 2011. Can you tell that my interest was already piqued?

 

The Wrong Idea

Dirk’s third COLT film, ARMOUR, came out yesterday; he’s got two scenes in it, one with Bob Hager and another with Jessy Ares. I excitedly announced the film’s release on Facebook and posted the above official COLT promo photo… one of the only Facebook-safe pictures COLT provided! (I’ve posted the racier pics below.)

The next day I logged into Facebook to find a couple of rather unexpected comments on the photo:

Isaac Neil Adam:  urmm… he is soooo hot and gorgeous!!! woww!!! but i wonder if by any chance you doesnt feel jealous of your BF being ‘used’ by someone? just want to ask. because i cant stand if my love one is fucking or fucked by another guys. it hurts me alot and cause intense pain. my heart surely bleeding…

Craig McIntyre:  Isaac it’s just a job. No heart involved just pure sex without emotion.

Let me just say, for the record, it’s not like that, at least not for Dirk and me. I can tell you from my own personal experience that there’s plenty of emotion on a porn set. There’s lust for my fellow performers, passion for doing a good job, and the pure visceral joy and pleasure of fucking or being fucked. In addition, I’ve always felt genuine affection for each of my scene partners; Titan has sent a parade of classy, friendly, easy-going, smart, HOT men my way, so how could I not? And that emotional connection pours into the scene. Completely mechanical sex would be boring! And would make for pretty terrible porn, in my opinion. We’re human beings, not fuck machines. I’ve always had chemistry with my scene partners… and it’s that chemistry that drives the scene.

As to Isaac’s question: I love Dirk, and he has a special place in my heart, as do I in his. That said, both of us feel an intense desire to really connect with people we care about; that desire isn’t limited to just each other, and sometimes that connection includes a sexual component. We each have certain friends — close friends — with whom sex is a natural part of our friendship; it’s part of our bond. Dirk has friends whom he sleeps with on occasion, and I have some as well. I respect the friendships that Dirk has made, as he respects mine… but at no point have I ever felt “shut out” from them. Dirk and I have only one rule in our relationship: “Never bring home anything you don’t want to share.” It works on all sorts of levels, but in this context it allows a sexual openness that is both liberating and exhilarating. As long as I feel included, I’m not jealous at all.

Similarly, when he’s working on set, I feel in no way threatened. Porn sex may not be romantic love, but I know that Dirk enjoys making and exploring the sexual connection he has with his co-stars (just like I enjoy the connections I make with mine). In fact, I encourage those sorts of connections, as does he with me. Maybe he’ll learn some new techniques. Maybe he’ll make a new friend. Maybe he’ll bring that friend home so we can all explore those new techniques together. (It’s happened!) But most importantly, as long as he’s happy and I get to share in that happiness, I’m happy too… and that’s good enough for me.

And now for those COLT photos I promised. Make sure you check out ARMOUR, and all of Dirk’s other COLT and Titan films… and if you really want to see a lot of emotion in a porn film, check out the Titan films that Dirk and I shot together, LOUD AND NASTY and EXTRA FIRM!
 


 

Something in the Way; He Moves

Home 01

Home sweet home!

I owe a lot to the porn industry. When I first took the plunge back in August of 2011, it was definitely a stretch. I’d always been kind of reserved; porn was something I never would have considered. When the guys at Titan contacted me, I thought about it for weeks. It would definitely be going out on a limb, but I’d come to understand that “out on a limb” is exactly where the fruit is; every time I’d tried something outside my comfort zone I’d been richly rewarded. So I decided to give it a try. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m learning new things about myself every day; it’s been a great self-esteem builder and an amazing opportunity for expression and sexual growth. I’ve never felt so confident and connected. I’ve met some amazing people and made lots of new friends. But when I started, little did I know that my foray into this new and exciting world would bring me the greatest reward of all.

When Dirk and I met while working the Titan booth at the 2011 Folsom Street Fair, our connection was immediate and strong. When we got together in Houston a few weeks later, our suspicions were confirmed: This could be something great. Since then we’ve been engaged in an extended game of transcontinental ping pong. Every three weeks or so (on average) one of us would board a Southwest (or, god help us, Spirit Airlines) jet bound for Chicago-slash-Boston, or we would rendezvous in such metropolises as Baltimore, Orlando, Denver, San Francisco, Kansas City, Washington, Columbus, and Fort Lauderdale. We love being together, but the incessant travel — not to mention the cost of all those flights — has really been getting in the way. There have been many, many nights when all we’ve wanted is to hold each other, but we’re 800 miles apart. There’s even a certain hallway in Logan Airport’s Terminal E that we call the “sad corridor” because it’s where we’ve always had to say goodbye. But not anymore. After a year and a half, we’ve decided to take the next step.

We’re moving in together.

Memorial Day will be Dirk’s last weekend in Chicago. We’re gonna hit a few of the events at IML (Dirk will be doing bondage demonstrations for Bound Jocks at the Mr. S booth on Friday and Saturday, and we’re gonna attend the Grabbys), then on Monday we’re loading all his stuff into a truck and driving to Boston. Driving home.

Our street

My Our street in Boston

I’m a little nervous. Okay, that’s an understatement… I’m actually scared shitless. I’ve never lived with a partner before; everyone I’ve ever dated has had his own place. Dirk and I are both confident that we’ll be okay, though. My three-bedroom house (the one in the pictures) will give us plenty of room to spread out. The master bedroom is huge, plus we’re converting one of the spare bedrooms into an office so Dirk can have space to work (he “daylights” as a composer). Another thing we have going for us is that we lived together in Boston for the entire month of June last year and managed not to kill each other.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh look, another porn couple… I wonder how long it’ll take until they self-destruct.” To those people, I’d like to say that I believe Dirk and I have a better-than-industry-average chance of survival… and here’s why. Physically, he’s the stuff of fantasy, to be sure. But corporeal beauty eventually fades; as Dirk once said in an interview for Grab magazine, “it isn’t what’s going to sustain your love for the guy when you’re together at 75.” He’s so much more than a walking wet dream, though… he’s whip-smart, creative, passionate, loving, generous, devoted… not to mention confident and sexy as all hell. He’s everything I could have ever wished for in a partner. And, for whatever reason, he seems to see a lot of good stuff in me too. We complement each other so amazingly well in so many ways; it’s a true partnership. When I look at Dirk, I know — don’t ask me how, because I can’t really explain it — that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. He knows it too. The elements are in place to sustain us until we’re 75, 80, 85… and beyond.

The last eighteen months haven’t always been easy. Like most people, we mostly share only the good stuff on our blogs and on Facebook… but in reality, we’ve faced (and worked through) plenty of challenges just like all couples do. This is certainly going to be a big adjustment for us; we’re both pretty stubborn people and we’re used to being on our own, so we’re expecting a few bumps along the way. But we love each other… and we’ve been apart for long enough. This feels so right. And we know in our hearts that we’re going to thrive.

As long as he remembers to put the toilet seat down.

Update: Several people have asked me why Dirk’s moving to Boston instead of me moving to Chicago. There are a few reasons, actually. We both have New England roots: I’ve lived in Boston my entire life and he grew up in Maine. Both of our families are here. I own my house (a 1200 sq. foot 3-bedroom in a nice suburb) and have an awesome job at an amazing company with great benefits; Dirk’s a freelance musician and can work just about anywhere, plus he gets to be on my health insurance as my domestic partner. While we both love Chicago — we have lots of friends there and we’ll definitely be back to visit — it simply made more sense for him to move here.

By the way, he’s bringing his dungeon bed with him, and we’re planning to film plenty of new home movies in my (much bigger) master bedroom… and all over the house…. so stay tuned……