The continuing story of my amazing relationship with fellow Titan man Dirk Caber. I suggest starting at the bottom (oldest posts) and working your way up.

One sleepless night

As my devastatingly sexy hubby and I close in on 9 months together, I’m starting to get a little nostalgic. I’ve already written about how the two of us met, but with Dirk 3,000 miles away right now (doing a photo shoot for Mr. S Leather) and me having a bit more free time than usual, I thought I’d take a moment to continue the story.

I have difficulty sleeping when I travel… or rather, when I’m about to travel. I get inordinately stressed out when I pack, focusing too much on unnecessary minutiae while overlooking major details (such as, oh, remembering to bring my wallet or passport). I stress about getting to the airport, which once left me so distracted that I actually locked my keys in my car at the Park-N-Ride lot on my way to San Francisco to film Command Performance. I stress even when there’s no reason to stress: if I have an afternoon or evening flight and I’m all ready to go, I can still barely focus on my work during the day. Needless to say, the anticipation of travel is not my friend. (Oddly, once I’m actually seated on the plane I’m perfectly fine.)

Gay Bowl XI in Houston, TX

Last October I participated in the national flag football championships in Houston (despite having a rather significant leg injury and having played a grand total of 2.5 flag football games in my entire life… but that’s another story), and right on cue, I couldn’t sleep the night before my flight. I had just met Dirk two weeks earlier at the Folsom Street Fair (read the full story here), but we’d been talking on the phone almost daily since then (he lives in Chicago and I’m in Boston). He’s a night owl, so he offered to keep me company telephonically while I packed. The conversation started at about 1 am and lasted for several hours… I remember we talked about our experiences in the porn industry, about our families and childhoods, and about the nature of relationships (sort of a continuation of our ongoing conversation that had started in SF). By 4:15 am, I’d finally finished packing and was exhausted. “Well, I think I’m ready to go,” I muttered sleepily. And then for some reason I blurted out, “Wanna join me?”

I didn’t expect him to say yes.

Rather than answering “Oh, I’d love to, but it’s so last minute…” or “That would be too expensive” or “Thanks, but I have plans,” Dirk responded with “Hmmmm… what an interesting idea!” He had an uncharacteristically free weekend with only one lunch date that he could postpone, and he’d just gotten paid for his work at Folsom so he had a little extra cash. I jumped online and found a great last-minute fare from Chicago to Houston. And the next thing you knew, we were together in Texas.

And it was electric.

Thank goodness he didn’t arrive until the very end of my very last game (he got to see me in a grand total of two plays) because I might have been too distracted to play. We went back to our hotel room… and we didn’t leave it for 24 hours. The sex, needless to say, was incendiary. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. That man can hit some pretty amazing spots (I get hard just thinking about it!), and some of those sounds he made when I topped him… well, I’d never heard anything like it. But there was more to it than that. We were really bonding. In the space between our hot fuck sessions, we talked about love, art, music, politics, poetry, douching techniques… anything and everything. We were just so comfortable with each other. We cuddled on the couch watching Don Hertzfeldt shorts (“My spoon is too big!”) and episodes of QI. Finally, exhausted from a sleepless night, at 7 am we walked over to Le Peep restaurant on Westheimer Road, hand in hand, knowing we’d finally found each other.

It was far and away the strongest connection with another human being I’d ever felt. And my flag football teammates noticed. When it came time to take the team photo, we were supposed to meet at the hotel pool at 1:30 pm, but I didn’t get the message until 5 minutes beforehand (I’d missed the original messages because Dirk and I had been “busy” in our hotel room). Just before photo time, I got a text from one of my teammates:

We hastily pulled on our pants and ran to the pool, somewhat red-faced but happy.

Our last day in Houston was bittersweet. My flight back to Boston left about an hour before Dirk’s left for Chicago, so he was able to see me off at the gate (I can’t remember the last time anyone did that, what with FAA restrictions about who can and can’t pass security). We were pretty sad… but we both knew that this wasn’t goodbye. It was more of a “see you soon.” Although we officially consider the day we first met (September 22, 2011, during Folsom weekend) to be our anniversary, one could argue that it was that moment, standing in Terminal A of George Bush Intercontinental Airport, somehow knowing that our life together had only just begun.

Dirk and I say goodbye see you soon in Houston

More details of our many adventures to come…

My Porn Romance

September of 2011 was a very exciting and rapidly changing time in my life. I had recently filmed my second scene with Titan (for François Sagat’s Incubus) and had just signed an exclusivity agreement with the studio. I had also begun dating someone who was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about my decision to work in adult films (I had made the decision well before we started dating). I was clear about my desire for an emotionally committed but sexually open relationship, though, and he’d agreed to stick around until my movies started coming out to see how things would go.

Even though neither of my scenes had been released yet, I flew out to San Francisco to work for Titan at the Folsom Street Fair. Excited though I was, I was also filled with questions: At 38 years old, had I made the right decision? What will my friends and family think now that I’m really about to go public? And first and foremost, would working in porn ruin my chances of building a relationship with the guy I’d been seeing… or with any guy, for that matter?

My friend Dave picked me up at the airport. I’d been talking to him a lot over the past several weeks about my questions and concerns; he’s a true friend and I love him dearly. On the ride in from SFO, Dave seemed especially excited. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he said. “He’s been working in the industry for about a year, and I think he’d be able to help you with a lot of your questions. He’s a wonderful guy.” Then Dave showed me a picture of this mystery man. I recognized him instantly; it was Dirk Caber. I’d never actually met him, but was a big fan of his Titan films, especially Sting.

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen's 'Sting'

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen’s “Sting”

Dave and I met Dirk out at a club that night. I was pretty nervous (starstruck, actually), but Dirk’s warm smile, deep voice, glimmering eyes, and gentle but confident touch immediately put me at ease. We talked a little and danced a lot; we then made our own separate rounds in the club but always seemed to find each other again. We ended up going back to his place, and had an amazing night. As it turned out, Dirk was also working the Titan booth at the street fair, so we hung out together all day Sunday, laughing, signing autographs, and making out at every opportunity. (I was caught on camera caressing Dirk’s ass at the end of the Name That Butt video.) I could tell it was just the beginning of what would be an amazing friendship.

The next day I met Dirk, Dave, and a couple other friends for lunch, and the conversation turned to my budding relationship back in Boston. I was convinced that I could balance the adult film work with my life back home, and be emotionally faithful to the guy I’d been dating… but how could I convince him of that? Right in the middle of this engaging discussion, the email arrived. The guy in Boston had decided not to take the “wait and see” approach after all. He broke up with me, by email, while I was on the other side of the fucking country. I was crushed. I vaguely remember bursting into tears right in the middle of Squat & Gobble in the Castro and then running all the way back to Dave’s house, flinging myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow and screaming. My friends came to sit with me while my hysteria ran its course… and Dirk held me the whole time.

Once my tears had dried, we started talking. About porn, about fidelity, about sex, about relationships, about work and play and death and love and life. And to this day, we’ve never stopped talking. Dirk and I have been dating for almost 5 months now, and I love him more than I ever thought I could have loved anyone at all. And, astoundingly, he’s equally in love with me. It’s almost like we’d been waiting for each other. We’re building a truly amazing, rewarding, open, trusting, loving relationship while continuing to work with Titan and also exploring our own internal and external boundaries. He lives in Chicago, but we’ve been together at least every two weeks since that fateful day in September. It’s been incredible, and it’s only getting better.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, I just want to say thank you to Dave for steering Dirk and me together, thank you to you for reading this sappy little love story, thank you to TitanMen for giving me this amazing opportunity… and most of all, thank you to the sweetest, sexiest, most incredible man I have ever known. Dirk Caber… I love you.