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Valentine’s Day, Illustrated

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 5 years since my friend Yan Herbe messaged me to politely ask if he could draw me. He’s crafted well over a hundred awesome works since then! He often draws Dirk and me as angels or devils, and always creates special ones for Christmas, Halloween, and Valentine’s Day. I’ve been meaning to post all of his drawings in one place… but for now — to celebrate the day — here are all of his Valentine ones.

Thank you, Yan… I’m honored to be your friend. Thank you for each and every thing you do.

My Porn Romance

September of 2011 was a very exciting and rapidly changing time in my life. I had recently filmed my second scene with Titan (for François Sagat’s Incubus) and had just signed an exclusivity agreement with the studio. I had also begun dating someone who was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about my decision to work in adult films (I had made the decision well before we started dating). I was clear about my desire for an emotionally committed but sexually open relationship, though, and he’d agreed to stick around until my movies started coming out to see how things would go.

Even though neither of my scenes had been released yet, I flew out to San Francisco to work for Titan at the Folsom Street Fair. Excited though I was, I was also filled with questions: At 38 years old, had I made the right decision? What will my friends and family think now that I’m really about to go public? And first and foremost, would working in porn ruin my chances of building a relationship with the guy I’d been seeing… or with any guy, for that matter?

My friend Dave picked me up at the airport. I’d been talking to him a lot over the past several weeks about my questions and concerns; he’s a true friend and I love him dearly. On the ride in from SFO, Dave seemed especially excited. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet,” he said. “He’s been working in the industry for about a year, and I think he’d be able to help you with a lot of your questions. He’s a wonderful guy.” Then Dave showed me a picture of this mystery man. I recognized him instantly; it was Dirk Caber. I’d never actually met him, but was a big fan of his Titan films, especially Sting.

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen's 'Sting'

Dirk (on the table) along with Hunter Marx and Shay Michaels, from TitanMen’s “Sting”

Dave and I met Dirk out at a club that night. I was pretty nervous (starstruck, actually), but Dirk’s warm smile, deep voice, glimmering eyes, and gentle but confident touch immediately put me at ease. We talked a little and danced a lot; we then made our own separate rounds in the club but always seemed to find each other again. We ended up going back to his place, and had an amazing night. As it turned out, Dirk was also working the Titan booth at the street fair, so we hung out together all day Sunday, laughing, signing autographs, and making out at every opportunity. (I was caught on camera caressing Dirk’s ass at the end of the Name That Butt video.) I could tell it was just the beginning of what would be an amazing friendship.

The next day I met Dirk, Dave, and a couple other friends for lunch, and the conversation turned to my budding relationship back in Boston. I was convinced that I could balance the adult film work with my life back home, and be emotionally faithful to the guy I’d been dating… but how could I convince him of that? Right in the middle of this engaging discussion, the email arrived. The guy in Boston had decided not to take the “wait and see” approach after all. He broke up with me, by email, while I was on the other side of the fucking country. I was crushed. I vaguely remember bursting into tears right in the middle of Squat & Gobble in the Castro and then running all the way back to Dave’s house, flinging myself on the bed, burying my head in the pillow and screaming. My friends came to sit with me while my hysteria ran its course… and Dirk held me the whole time.

Once my tears had dried, we started talking. About porn, about fidelity, about sex, about relationships, about work and play and death and love and life. And to this day, we’ve never stopped talking. Dirk and I have been dating for almost 5 months now, and I love him more than I ever thought I could have loved anyone at all. And, astoundingly, he’s equally in love with me. It’s almost like we’d been waiting for each other. We’re building a truly amazing, rewarding, open, trusting, loving relationship while continuing to work with Titan and also exploring our own internal and external boundaries. He lives in Chicago, but we’ve been together at least every two weeks since that fateful day in September. It’s been incredible, and it’s only getting better.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, I just want to say thank you to Dave for steering Dirk and me together, thank you to you for reading this sappy little love story, thank you to TitanMen for giving me this amazing opportunity… and most of all, thank you to the sweetest, sexiest, most incredible man I have ever known. Dirk Caber… I love you.